A State of Depression

"Do they see what I go through?

Can they see the cuts in my arm?

The scars that show the hurt I feel?

Do they know about all the harm?

Do they see the hurt in my eyes?

The pain I hide inside?

Do they notice the tears I hold back?

Do they know where this pain resides?

The depression I feel,

From the loneliness all around,

Brings me lower than ever before

And makes the sadness abound."

This was a poem I wrote in the beginning of this year. I was depressed. I cut myself. I faked a smile all the time. I didn't let anyone know. I honestly was holding back tears. I was in a low part in my life.

I started to get depressed five years ago. I felt like I was unloved by my parents. I felt unwanted by certain people. I felt alone. I just felt like I was dead inside and nothing could bring me back to life. All I could feel was the pain inside. And I wanted to feel something more than that.

I started to cut myself so that I could feel something on the outside. I also started abusing pain killers to help with my cutting. I started to get numb from the pain and it started to feel good. I saw the blood and enjoyed the feeling I got from the pain. I didn't want it to feel good. I wanted it to hurt. I wanted to feel the pain of the cuts. 

I stopped for a bit after a few months and then relapsed after a couple of months. The summer before my first year of college I stopped again. January of this year I relapsed again after Christmas break. After a few times I finally woke up and was like "What the heck?! I was gonna stop this!" So, I went to one of my friends and gave her my sharp objects (scissors, pocket knives, etc), but it did not stop me. I started using anything I could find to cut myself. I started abusing my pain killers I had and then gave them to my friend. 

One night I finally texted that friend and told her that I was tired of how I was feeling and wanted to be the joyful person I was years ago. She came and let me talk to her. She listened and just was there for me. I just let her know about my depression and she was the first person I had ever told. After, I felt a little relieved and it felt good. 

About a week later I finally decided I truly was tired of being depressed. I was tired of the cutting. I was tired of it all. I was in my room alone (it was Easter day) and I skipped church. I got down on my knees in my room and just cried. I cried out to God and asked Him to help me. I told Him I wanted to be free of the crap in my life. The words that I said that I keep saying are "Take away this depression and sadness and give me joy and happiness." Right at that moment, I felt different and like a new person. I then just talked to God and poured out my heart. It was great.

From that day, I have been free of depression. Not saying I don't go through some junk that brings me down, but I am not depressed. Do you even know how awesome it feels?! Very!

So, if you are going through depression I would like to give you some advice. 

First, other people go through depression, y'all. You are not the only one. Some people hide it better than others. So, don't think you are alone in this fight. Second, it's okay to go to someone. I would recommend a close Christian friend that would actually care about it. One that would want to help you. And I know how hard it is to go to someone because I don't like people knowing about my crap all the time. Third, you can't do it alone. You might not like people helping, but you will need it. Even when friends knew about what I was going through, I didn't want help. Fourth, it's not worth getting to the point of wanting to die. Why would you think it anyway? Because life sucks? Well, yeah, it does. But you gotta live through it because it's worth it in the end. I know what it's like to just want to end the suffering, but I thank God that I didn't end my life. I enjoy life now. 

And now here's some verses for you that has helped me out:

Psalm 3:3

-But you, Lord, are a shield around me,

  my glory, the One who lifts my head high.

Philippians 4:8

-Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, -- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -- think about such things.

So, God is there and He will lift your head up. He doesn't want you to have your head down and not able to look and see everything around you that is beautiful. He wants you to think of good things. He doesn't want you to think of how horrible and depressed you feel. If you are thinking of all the good, are you thinking of all the bad? Not really. So, start thinking about the amazing things in life and not the sad stuff. It helps. It really does.

God bless!!

Philippians 4:13